I had a huge 'aha' moment this week. One of those moments of grace when you get a glimpse through your blindspot and see that thing that's holding you back, that thing that everyone else can see but can't tell you about, that thing that's usually invisible to you but that just might be the key to your next transformation.
So here's what happened to me. I was driving through the golden autumn morning, on my way to meet with some potential clients about a contract I was shortlisted for: a nice opportunity to work on a challenging project for a good cause and enhance my income a bit over the next few months. It also happened to be something to which I knew I could fully apply my gifts.
Sounds pretty good, right? We want to design our lives to invite this sort of opportunity.
I was excited and a little nervous, which is all good. But there was also this low-level grumbling going on in the back of my mind, that went something like this:
"grumble grumble all dressed up... grumble... my entire morning.... too busy for this... grumble grumble not a sure thing."
Ok so here's where the blindspot thing comes in. This grumbling was not unusual, apparently it's pretty typical of the background noise anytime I am investing energy in something that I perceive as
not being a sure thing.
But the difference the other morning was I stopped mid-grumble and thought
Wait...
what?
I caught that grumbly part of myself in the act of sabotaging me. That grumbly part was busily persuading me that
it wasn't worth investing my life force in something that wasn't a sure thing. And usually all this goes on under the radar, and I just respond by turning down the flow a little, unconsciously withdrawing my best energy from the not-a-sure-thing-thing.
But this time instead of just unconsciously submitting to the grumble, I actually heard it and questioned it.
Like really questioned it. Like:
WTF are you talking about, grumbly part? F.. Seriously? Have we been holding back from investing in anything that's not a sure thing? Is that what's going on here? Because NEWSFLASH nothing is a sure thing! OMGWTF I can't believe I've been doing this to myself.
Yes my aha moment was fairly full of explatives starting with 'F.' And it all happened in a mere moment or two while driving through the autumn sunshine.
Grumbly Part is now under 24 hour surveillance. Because it looks like for a few years now Grumbly Part has been working behind the scenes to wreak havoc on my energy flow and engagement with the world.
My story is very individual, of course. But I believe this is something we all struggle with in one way or another.
We resist the flow of our energy out into the world because we are afraid. We're afraid of getting exhausted, running out. We're afraid of being rejected, of failing, of getting in over our heads. We're afraid of being visible and vulnerable, we're afraid of standing out. We're afraid of falling, of losing, of not measuring up, of being disappointed. We're afraid at the beginning, the middle, and the end.
But you know what? We're also brave. We
do put ourselves out there, we
do keep trying, we
do take chances, we
do invest, we
do step up.
There's a part of you that's trying to scare you into hoarding your energy like food in a famine. But there's another part of you that knows that by holding back, you're just blocking the flow. And holding back the river is exhausting. And holding back on what's flowing out also means holding back on what's flowing in.
There are no sure things, and that's OK. I'm asking the question: what would happen if I poured my gifts and energy out into the world like
everything was a sure thing?
I'm just asking myself that question. What question would you like to ask yourself after reading this post?
And by the way, I turned on my full energy flow, rocked the meeting, and got the contract.
