|Not waiting for my soul mate, 1993|
What is that thing?
What is it about the energy of wanting-wanting-wanting that seems to push away what we want, and the energy of i-give-up that brings it to our door?
It's not exactly the Law of Attraction, is it?
I spent my twenties pursuing Love. I believed in Big Love, in Soul Mates. (Still do.) I had a series of intense, passionate relationships, each one loaded with big expectations. At 28, I emerged from the last of this series sad and bruised, but with an exquisite five month old daughter.
After cocooning in my best friend's guest house for a couple of months, I emerged into the world new and wary, with an inner agreement to Not Even Date until my daughter was 18.
I started apartment hunting. One day I found a really cute studio near the beach, and was standing outside the building contemplating my options.
There was this moment then, when everything went quiet. And I heard this little rolling clic-clic-clic coming up behind me, and the hairs stood up on the back of my neck.
I turned around, it was just a guy walking his bike. Very ordinary. He said "Hi," and so did I, and I didn't see him again for a couple of months.
So, my daughter is 18 now. I've been married to the guy with the bike - my soul mate and best friend - for 16 years.
We think the big stuff will come to us through the force of our will, the intensity of our yearning. We think it will dramatically appear in our lives POOF! at the perfect time for us, in a puff of pink smoke. "Wow, thanks Universe!!" we'll say.
But here's how it actually works:
Let Go. Give Up. Look The Other Way. Get On With The Stuff That You Do.
But leave some quiet space, and stay curious, so when that quiet, ordinary little clic-clic-clic comes up behind you, you'll know what it is.
What did you let go of to get? Share here, if you like.
There's a post script to this story, and it's kind of funny, or maybe a warning about self-agreements. I only just realized it as I wrote this. My husband and I never really did date. Try courting with an eight month old in your life and you'll see what I mean. We just hung out, and then got married. It wasn't until my daughter turned 18 and moved out last year that we actually started going on Dates, and boy, has it been fun!! So I guess I did keep my agreement with myself, not to date until she turned 18...